Take my hand as I die

Do you know what splitting lanes at 140 mph is like? It’s like committing to suicide. Voluntarily agreeing to let go of everything you ever loved, hated or even thought of. Even your distant cousin Benny whom you never even met because you were actually adopted and your adoptive parents had NO reason to introduce you to people who ARE NOT your family. It’s like giving it all up. The girlfriend who you fell for the second she looked at you the way you never knew a person could look at you, because all you had ever known were pain and self induced heartache that brought you to the gates of heavenly enlightenment that made you into the lovable and loving person you are… The sentient being who could empathize with the homeless person crying as they dig in their veins with a dull hypodermic needle they have shapened three times over with an old matchbox striking pad… This is what I give up.
Every time
And
I hate myself for it
While also not for the least of moments
Allowing myself to enter
Into
Negativity…
I let myself go every time
While also finding myself.
In you.
In death.
In life.
In me.
In suicide.

… It’s like giving all of this up. Right when you somehow, ruptured your left testicle and destroyed the right half of your body in a horrendous motorcycle accident… that last fleeting, escaping moment you somehow found the light and became the man you could only have dreamt of in previous lives… It’s like giving this all up. Voluntarily discorporation in the most sickening and beautiful sentiment.

As you shear past the two side by side vehicles within a two to three foot gap, you feel the weight of two world’s pulling you into their magnetic gravitative pull… Only to see the end of an infinite tunnel faster than you knew you even entered it. Seeing past all that loving darkness Into the truth at the other side.

It’s like committing to suicide. Like carving your own neck with a steak knife, and during the last few strokes of the blade, as the last as the stringy tendons and skins are cut away you feel nothing. Only a clear calmness.

You are not in shock.
You are not afraid.
Did that even happen?

Yes,
Yes,
It did.
I’m not giving
Up.